Handyman

A pat on the back to myself for fixing the garage door opener today.

After two years of having to hold the button down to close the darn thing as one of the infra-red sensors was found in pieces on the driveway, I suddenly had a brain storm--maybe they make REPLACEMENT parts for Genie garage door openers. A quick trip to Lowes and $65 later I had the parts AND a wireless keypad.

The hardest part was figuring out which breakers controlled the garage. With the kids off in college and the dogs and cats strangely uncooperative, I had to throw a breaker, run upstairs, check the garage lights and run back down to try ANOTHER breaker. Six trips later, I had it. Yes, six. Did I label the circuit once I finally found it? Well, no....but I'm going to (tomorrow).

I felt so accomplished after this event that I broke out the sealant for the deck and sealed the stairs. Then I hung a Roman shade in the laundry room.

Finally, I took Fargo outside for a quick pee and poo (Fargo's, not mine). Exhausted from my day of home repair, I settled down to watch the story of the lesbian couple that had last-distch in-vitro fertilization after several failures. Seeking to increase their odds, they both were implanted with two embryos. And voila--nine months later they had "quadruplets." So to speak.

Where is the Archbishop of Canterbury?

When you have five cats--five cats you complain about, lament about and vow NOT to replace when they are gone--why is the absence of one so obvious?

It's Sunday evening and the last time I recall seeing my oldest son's cat is Wednesday night. I left Thursday morning for Kansas and returned Friday night, so she could have disappeared anytime while I was gone.

She's a good cat, and she's been gone for a couple days before, but I have a bad feeling about this.

I go outside and call "Here kitty kitty kitty" several times a day. However, this generally just makes the other four cats come out to find me. I'd call "Here Archbishop of Canterbury!" but the neighbors already think I'm weird without me loudly and publicly summoning the head of the Anglican Church. Of course, our Archbishop is a female, proving we're just that much more progressive in Cedar Hill.

Fargo and Ringo

Today, a few words about my dogs.

I have two--Fargo (13) and Ringo (5). Both are of the female persuasion and have been with me since puppyhood. Fargo, I fear, is not long for the world. She's thin and scraggly, has trouble walking and feels much more comfortable defecating inside than out. Major strike against her, if you ask me. Fargo spends every night closed up in my bathroom on a nice pile of blankets and the shirt I wore to bed the night before. She never defecates in there--not enough room to get away from it afterwards I figure. Pity she never learned about toilets, as there is a very convenient one in with her every night.

Ringo is the antithesis of Fargo. Ringo is fat, walks and runs just fine and never defecates indoors. We acquired her in 2005....she looked (at the time) like my favorite childhood dog (Jeremiah, a.k.a Poopsie) and I let my emotions bypass my brain and brought her home.

Ringo and Fargo are not the sharpest tacks on the board, so to speak. Fargo has never learned to signal she'd like to come in from outside. She simply stands at the door and looks at it. If it doesn't magically open, she lies down and waits. No barking, no scratching, no standing on her hind legs to ring the doorbell.

Ringo is smart enough to know when I am leaving. At this point, she makes a snap decision--inside or outside. If "inside"--she then slinks off into my bedroom and "hides" behind the rocking chair. if "outside"--she immediately goes under the deck and stands behind the stairs. She stands very still and always in the exact same position. Of course, she is invisible there and I cannot see her and force her to come back in the house. I'm usually ambivalent. Now, if she ate dog poop like she eats cat poop, I'd probably make her stay in and clean up Fargo's messes while I'm gone.

How I Want to Die

An odd topic for a Sunday morning blog, I suppose....how I want to die. I suppose a better choice of title might be "How I Don't Want to Die" as the answer would be "in a long, slow decline with my mental faculties eroding, with fingernail polish on only one hand and wearing a hospital gown under my shirt and over my polyester, elastic-waist pants."

Yes, I went to see Mom yesterday.

You know you're in trouble when you walk in the nursing home (a much more succinct way of describing 'The Quarters at Des Peres" than saying "Assisted Living Community") at 3:30 p.m. and the nurse says "Good, you're here! She won't get out of bed--she had some night last night." I found Mom in bed, covered with a sheet, flat on her back, and looking about the size of a 6th-grader (well, an AVERAGE 6th-grader...not a KAMMERER 6th-grader). She was not sleeping soundly so I opened with "Hi Mom, I brought you a brownie." THAT got her attention and within a minute or so she was sitting up in her bed (I raised the back to encourage sitting up) munching happily on brownie #1. "Ummmm....this is GOOD," she said, a look of rapture on her face.

I did her nails after she ate the second brownie, but didn't want to polish them in bed (she never can wait 'til they are dry and inevitably gets nail polish on something). I coaxed her into standing up, and that's when I found she had a hospital gown on under her shirt. Hmmm. She wouldn't remove the shirt, so I actually wrangled the gown off without removing the shirt and talked her into putting on her pants. Of course, I somehow managed to get both legs in one leg hole (this is why we use "professional" help) and that's when she got a little testy with me. "What are you DOING?" she said, very crossly.

Enter the "baby."

The baby is a pink-clad baby doll, pretty much life-size. "He" was sitting on the top shelf of her closet this time. I handed the doll to Mom, who changed from Jeckyl to Hyde (or is it from Hyde to Jeckyl?), took the baby and began cooing appropriately. "We're just going to have to wear you out today," Mom told the baby. Wow. An actual cognizant, well-formed thought....delivered to a doll.

Mom picked out a dark pink color for her nails this time, tried to sample it by placing the brush on her tongue and started in surprise when I squawked and took the polish away from her. I got one hand done and was blowing on the fingers to dry them when her frustration level peaked. I never did get the other hand done, but she did enjoy a third (and last) brownie. These were small, mind you, and she relished every bite.

I helped her put on her shoes, but she refused socks. Oh well...it was a warmish day anyway.

We then made our way to the dining area. After all, it was nearly 5 p.m. and she hadn't yet had a real meal. We were accosted in the hall by Lee, who wanted the baby back. Mom wasn't going to budge on that one.

I guess the message today is that I'd like to die in a blaze of glory, perhaps on a failed mission to Mars when the capsule suddenly gets sucked into a 2001-like vorpal space or maybe in a massive volcanic eruption, or even in a tornado where my house is sucked up a la Dorothy and Aunty Em. I don't want to put my already bad fashion habits on public display, or appear orgasmic over chocolate. I'd like to remember my kids (so I can complain about them) and my grandkids (if R & C ever decide to procreate).

But life, unfortunately, doesn't give us the choice. So if I do end up like Mom, remember the me instead that patiently painted her nails and answered inane questions and who thanked God, every time I left Mom's side, that Dad didn't live to see her like this.

Things I do at Hotels

I spend a lot of time in hotels...probably a couple months a year, in fact. Even though I know I'm paying good money for the privilege of staying in the hotel, and the hotel is paying its staff to take care of my every whim and need, I still feel guilty if I leave the room messy. OK, I feel guilty if it's messy when I'm in it and when I leave it! Following are some of my quirks. I don't mind sharing them since no one reads this, right?

1. The one waste basket rule: All my trash goes into one trash can even though there are generally two or three in the room.

2. The one roll of toilet paper rule: When there are two rolls (and especially when both are folded into those attractive points), I use only one. That way the maid won't have to refold one.

3. Messy towels when I don't shower: If I'm running late and skip my morning shower, and if I am not checking out that day, I get the shower wet, put the soap in it and mess up the towel. This of course creates more work for the maids, not less, so I may as well have used two trash cans.

4. Wall push-ups: I don't do them at home so why am I always compelled to find a clear wall and do several sets of "wall push-ups" when I'm at a hotel?

5. Suitcase on the king-sized bed: Yep, if I have a king-sized bed, I leave the suitcase on one side of it. Why bother getting it at all?

6. Don't trust the alarm clock: I never use it. Nor do I do wake-up calls. I use my cell phone alarm and almost always wake up several minutes before it goes off.

7. One bar of soap: They always leave me two (facial and body) but as my face and body can't tell the difference, I always open only one. And I never take the second one either. Odd.

8. Jewelry off: I take all my jewelry off as soon as I open the door (sometimes even before my shoes). I never do this at home.

9. Sex with a different guy every night: Well, who's to know except for me???? :-)

John Wayne or a a Ford Pick-up?

I'm in New Mexico (again) and lately my trips north from Albuquerque toward Santa Fe, Las Vegas or Taos have changed direction. Now I get my rental car and drive west toward Gallup. It's I-40 all the way, through three reservations, past four casinos, through the volcanic badlands of the Malpais and the uranium mines of Cibola County and over the continental divide.

This is the country of John Wayne movies. Flat desert, high escarpments, colorful mesas. Now it's freckled with billboards and split by railroad tracks, but even the trains are colorful out here. Not the coal cars we see in the Midwest but long chains of double-stacked shipping containers pulled and pushed by orange diesel engines. You can see them out here from beginning to end with nothing to obstruct the middle. Sometimes, when I'm gazing out to the north (instead of keeping my eyes on the westbound highway in front of me), I imagine I see horses kicking up dust. The horses in my mind are actually old pick-up trucks or, better yet, brand new pick-ups big enough to set up housekeeping in. You've gotta wonder about this land of enchantment where people drive vehicles worth more than their homes. When you pull up in front of an old adobe you can always tell if its inhabited by the satellite dish.

Another common I-40 west site is the tumbleweed. I made the mistake of picking one up once--it was stuck to the front of my car. Thus I learned that tumbleweeds are sticker bushes. Avoid them.

Rest areas here come complete with stalls where the local Native American population sells crafts in good weather. You can also pull off at any convenience store/truck stop and buy a variety of the same goods if you're itching to pay sales tax. I once bought chocolate covered bugs at Cline's Corners (east of Albuquerque an hour or so...one of those places that just doesn't live up to what the 840 billboards before it promise) and yes, my children did eat them.

I Raised Him Better Than That, DIdn't I?

I spent a very quiet Mother's Day driving to Decatur IL to deliver a finals Survival Package to son #2. We also dined together at Olive Garden (Mom's Treat) and discussed life after college. Then we went back to his dorm room. (Cue "Jaws" theme.)

Thankfully, Collin had cleaned up "a bit" for me. Still, I was appalled. Absolutely horrified. Incredulous. Does he really live like that?

Nearly every inch of floor space in his double room (no roommate this year...and no wonder...) is covered. Books, clothing, musical instruments (I didn't know he played the trombone), pieces of foam (to make LARP weapons...that's "Live Action Role Playing" for those of you living in the 1990s still), duct tape, dice (does this kid ever study????) and crumbled up paper.

His bed blocks access to his desk, so he climbs over it to get to his "living area." On the floor of the "living area" I found the king-sized quilt my grandmother embroidered for me when I got married. What the hell was THAT doing there?

"Collin--why do you have my wedding quilt?"
"Oh, that quilt?"
"Yes, that quilt." The one with all the quilt blocks embroidered with scenes from my life and signed by all my female relatives. The one where Glenn drew seven Mizzou columns and used "s's" instead of z's in the word "Mizzou." THAT one. The one that has me fishing in Carlisle Lake--my Dad's favorite fishing spot with my Uncle Ray but one I never visited. THAT one.
"I like it."

Ahhh....

He carried his mini-fridge to the car. Apparently, he hadn't used it since his first supply of soda ran out ("Who needs soda? I have water.") I considered demanding he bring more to the car since he has to be out of there on Friday, but then decided I'd rather have him bring his own smelly clothes home instead of polluting my car. I volunteered to take Tiny (his cat, reduced to ashes in an antique sugar bowl) but he decided he'd keep her with him.

Priorities, you know.

I love it love it love it love it

A lot.

Got home from Lawrence last night to find it on the kitchen table, securely wrapped in its pristine white box all the way from China. Opened it carefully and extracted from a thick plastic sleeve 4 1/2 pounds of integrated wizardry, a peach of an apple, a sleek self-contained unit engineered to give pleasure and, most importantly, never to be used for "real" work.

In short, my new Macintosh laptop has arrived. It greeted me when I opened it (in several languages), instantly recognized my wireless network and within minutes I was productively farming, messaging, creating new imaginary friends and caressing my pleasing-to-the-touch backlit keyboard.

Material items should not be allowed to give one such ethereal pleasure.

I recently came into a bit of money--"came into" is a bit of a stretch as I sold a part of my ownership stake in my company to a new partner. I loaned most of it right back to the company (I'm told that it's a capital investment), repaid some kids' school debt and am having the kitchen remodeled (believe me, it needed it). What's left after capital gains tax (i.e. not much) was mine mine mine. I decided to buy the mac laptop to start to separate my work and play. And I might have orthodontics.

Might being the operative word here.

So, I sit here on my WORK laptop (the stale old Dell Latitude) creating effusive prose about my new obsession, Midge the Mac. I vow not to wear off her keys with my finger acid, clog up her keypad and cooling fan with cat hair, spill coffee on her or subject her to extreme temperature fluctuations when she's on my lap and I have a hot flash. I promise to love her and cherish her and be faithful to her as long as we both shall live. Unlike my marriage, it will be a permanent relationship. Unlike my Dell, Midge will be cat-free. Unlike the rest of my life, Midge will be orderly, functional, predictable, hairless and paid for.

Back to work...I'm not getting paid to blog....

Multiple Personality Disorder

I admit it...I'm sick and addicted. It started with Pam inviting me to play Farm Town on Facebook. I succumbed. But my farm, entertaining as it was, was sadly limited. It could not expand without neighbors. As I didn't want to admit my sad FB Flash Game addiction to friends and family, Pam and I decided to create our own neighbors...alter egos, so to speak, with separate e-mails, accounts and passwords. Not only do I have a bigger farm (and cafe...and city) but I have new friends too. It's not easy making friends once you hit my age, with my on-the-road lifestyle. Why did I never before think of making them from scratch? Like a woman with multiple personalities, a virtual Sybil of Cedar Hill, I am now Susie, Kay, Marie, Adelle, Belinda and Carole. Sometimes, I comment on someone's post, forgetting who I am logged in as. I was amazed when my alter egos began getting friend requests from people they didn't know (well...maybe they did....) Adelle, in particular, has quite a following; perhaps people sympathize with her as she is a recent widow and moved to St. Louis from Fairbanks, AK after her husband's untimely death in a combination snow mobile/ice fishing accident. Carole Hammerer is also past her prime, and Susie enjoys collecting chickens on her Farmville farm.

Having multiple personality disorder (MPD) has some interesting benefits (besides the ability to send virtual gifts to each other in FB games). Sidebar advertisements target users, and I wondered why the lesbian/gay alliance was targeting Belinda until I remembered that she was in a committed relationship with another woman. I also enjoy birthdays all year long. Kay recently celebrated a milestone birthday and many of her FB friends wished her well. She celebrated the day by changing her profile picture to a picture of my new sister-in-law Heather in her wedding dress--from waist to neck. Finally, if I post something interesting for my status ("I" being Susan Kammerer Cunningham of course), my alter egos often comment, lavishing praise and adoration on me, just as I deserve.

Social networking is here to stay, as is my new community of friends. They don't complain when I don't have time to answer the phone because I am harvesting my rice, don't ask me to watch their pets and never ever call with the crisis of the day. If I miss their birthdays and fail to send a card, they never complain and they'll work on my farm like troupers till the cows come home.

Now, if I could just figure out how to get them some unemployment benefits....